Crazy long question I don't expect anyone to read, but your advice would be appreciated. Just please be nice?

This is going to sound pretty crazy but I'm going to lay it all out there. our story goes back awhile. We have always been close, super close. I didn't think anything of it, that I might be into girls. she knew way from the start and never told me, that she had a crush on me. I ended up dating this guy, and after I started dating him I started having weird dreams: about girls. I freaked out, I was raised conservatively. I told myself they meant nothing but I realized when I stopped denying and started asking that I was attracted to females. My friends told me it was just a phase they had all gone through, but she started acting oddly when I told her, for about a week. She would no longer sit on my lap or jump on my back unexpectedly, or cuddle with me like we always did. I attributed it to her being afraid I'd like her. SO I vowed to never. I didn't realize I already did. :( And I thought my future lied with this man I was dating. we were actually quite young, 15 at the time. I got pregnant a few months later, on purpose. I wanted the fairytale, white picket fence dream, and that was the only way I thought to get it. I was never really attracted to him. she hated him, told me it was cuz he was so horrible to me. I believed it.



My parents moved me away from where I lived when I was 16. I was devestated to have to leave her and all my friends, and him. My plan would fail. i moved and came back to visit a month later. I was about 8 months pregnant and feeling about as attractive as a beached whale. but she kissed me, and I freaked out. I thought she was testing me. ';I'm sorry, but I had to know!'; she kept repeating. How hurt I was to think she thought I liked her... I had worked so hard to make sure this wouldn't happen! But she explained that she thought she was bisexual. I told her that was a crappy way to figure it out, sneaking up on someone with their eyes closed under the pretense of telling them a secret, and she needed to kiss someone for real before knowing, and it wasn't going to be me. After I went back home, had the baby. it was about 2 or 3 months after that. I saw her again and let her meet my little guy, who would become her godson, and she told me (in front of my brother so I couldn't question her) simply ';oh! I'm not';. like it was so passe... I was relieved! but strangely sad. I didn't see her again for about 6 months, it was summer then. she called me finally, after being out of contact for awhile due to moving and what not, her not having a phone, and we talked like old times. NO matter how much time went by between us seeing one another, we always clicked right back into place with our friendship. She said we should hang out soon. She called a few days later and asked me to come over. I got ready and went over. Until that day I was not sure what my feelings for her were, if I had imagined them, dreamed them up somehow. I didn't want to lose her friendship! when she was walking back from the door toward me, I looked at her and literally thought to myself ';CRAP! I like her!'; And then a few moments later she sat down and caught me looking down her shirt. lol I thought until a few months ago that perhaps she didn't catch me at all, for she would normally have said something, but she remained silent.



Her boyfriend at the time was trying to talk me out of marrying my baby's father. He said he would find me a nice guy. I told him I didn't want a guy I wanted a girl. I didn't notice her expression during this conversation, because other than trying to talk me out of the upcoming nuptials, she was silent. after awhile of this conversation, him saying then he could hook me up with girls (at which I chuckled) she told me she wanted me to come into her room. I followed her in. we talked normally for a few minutes. all of the sudden out of nowhere, she said ';You know, after J.D. broke up with me, I almost swore off guys altogether';. this meant nothing to me. I'd heard girls say this. it usually meant that they were not going to date anymore. She realized I was not taking the hint and said, ';Yeah... I actually had someone for awhile.'; she went on to tell me some of the things they did, and then she just finished nonchalantly with ';and then he came along';. I was in utter shock. I was not so concerned with her sexuality at the time, but more with the first lie she had ever told me, and it was a big one. she told me she didn't want it to be awkward between us, and I understood. After that her boyfriend told me that she wanted me, and I told him he was crazy, and that I didn't like her that way. I was so afraid that if she was bi and I was into girls, then she would have to say those dreaded words to me: ';You're my best friend, and I love you, but I just don't like you like that'; and I knew it would kill me to hear this. We were about 18 at the time (I was a few days after 17 when my baby was born to give you an idea of time frame). well, after a few visits to their house I became comfortable with herCrazy long question I don't expect anyone to read, but your advice would be appreciated. Just please be nice?
wow hell of a story it is sad in a way. you should email me cmr_rox@yahoo.com



ok so do you like her? if you do dont run away, all these years and it is leading u back to her and the situation, just love her if u do.



and she loves you. it wont ruin ur friendship, u said after everything it went back to friends



give it a shotCrazy long question I don't expect anyone to read, but your advice would be appreciated. Just please be nice?
Go with it and do what ever makes you feel good. Life is very fragile and way to short. Go with your heart and be happy. You are who you are and noone is going to change that. Good luck my friend.
We are raised to believe that being with a guy is the only path for us, anything else is not acceptable. Some of us start questioning early on, some of us take a lot longer. Even if a friend is gay, don't be afraid of that person. If your friend says she loves you in a 'more than a friend way, and you don't feel the same thing, just tell her that. You might want to talk to a gay friendly counselor so you can talk freely. Contact the gay center, the gay hotline, or pflag.org for a local person.

Stop being afraid of your feelings. That's all you got of your own. becuse you were afraid, you had sex with a boy, got pregnant, jhad a baby and now your life is weighed down with a major responsibility.Was it worth it? Go have a great life.